things i would like to happen in the next three months in no particular order;
1. get my dog
2. start a garden (really just tomatoes and basil)
3. paint some things
4. stick to a writing schedule.
5. figure out sleep
6. take an online course or two so I can start getting grad. school pre-requisites out of the way.
7. figure out if i really want to go to grad. school and what for. (probably art therapy or just rec. therapy. )
8. get out of my head more when I'm on stage.
9. take more risks.
10. see my non-improv friends more.
11. drink less coffee
12. smoke fewer (maybe even no) cigarettes
13. take things less personally.
12. care more about what i think of others than what they think of me. This sounds selfish, but i think it is when i get wrapped up in other people's opinions (real or imagined by me) that i become most self-centered.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Jill Bernard's workshop was really good for me. I love how whenever I'm feeling bad about improv (my improv not improv in general) or frustrated with how much of my life it consumes, something happens to make me remember why I do this. I walked into a the room of some hideout people and then some people I had never seen before. I was the only ColdTowne person there. The normal social anxiety stuff was all triggered at the beginning, but i think ultimitely I benefitted even more from being in a room with mostly strangers and a few aquaintences. It was a lot easier for me to not care and take risks. First of all, Jill is a giddy and joyful nymph with a slight mid-western accent. This is very delightful combination to experience. You almost feel like you're watching a child; she seems free of inhibitions and just so full of genuine joy. It didn't seem like an act either. I'm sure she isn't always a joyful little child nymph, she is obviously bright and thoughtful and I don't mean to take aways from that by comparing her to a child. The genuine joy just really impressed me. My favorite exercises were pretty simple but very fun and helpful. In one exercise, one person started doing something on stage and the other person came in and told them somethin mundane. Person one then had to have an extremely emotional reaction to whatever was said. Jill kept side-coaching us to get bigger and really let go. or to take the lid off as she said. I ended up on the ground crying, which is something I've done in scenes before, but never to this level, making crazy non-human noises, hitting the floor etc. It felt a little self-indulgent and we discussed that, if we are pouring out that much emotion aren't we taking up all the attention, pulling away too much from our scene partner. If it's self-indulgent to accept the focus sometimes and make strong emotional choices, then all of improv is self-indulgent and what's the point? I think I sometimes get caught in my head too much cause i do feel inherently guilty for wanting the attention that comes from being on a stage, making strong choices on a stage, being fast and decisive. I tell myself, I'm not good enough and the only way i can justify being in the spotlight is if Im doing everything perfectly etc. So... get caught in my head, making bad choices cause Im so nervous.
Back to Jill; Jill said it was okay to be the focus, you just have to be the support too sometimes. There was a lot of discussion of basic fear based decision making stuff, how much easier it is when you are given strong gifts from your partner and giving them right back. These are all things I know but it is so necessary to keep reminding myself. I make improv so much harder than it has to be. The next exercise that I really liked was this: one person comes across the stage endowing themself (out loud) as a character and then when they get to their scene partner the scene partner corrects them and endows them as someone else. and then the scene begins. We all made pretty strong character choices initially because we knew we were going to be throwing these characters away, so there was no pressure. It was also ridiculously easy and fun to switch instantly. Which illustrated that it's okay to endow someone with something and you may change what was in their mind but you're giving them something to work with . Jill also talked about trusting yourself to figure out what you've created after you create it. Youdon't need to figure it out before you create it. I liked this idea a lot, it's simple, but I rarely trust myself to do something and then figure it out on stage. Im always trying to use my brain first, forgetting that my brain can and will catch up. The last exercise we did was my favorite. Jill called it Ralphing. We would run around snapping and saying Banana banana banana until Jill said stop and then we would let whatever noise came out transition into a word and a scene start. Not letting our thinking brain in to work on the scene until we'd already made the intial sound. It's a similar idea to the switchboard style of transitions between scenes and I had sort of forgotten how much I loved that. It made me really want to start working on organic sound and movement transitions again. I think I just needed to be reminded, that improv is fun, it is work but it is emotional work, not head work. I need to bring that back into my life again. Im definitely getting out of my slump but I needed concrete things to focus on, like not trying so hard to focus.
Back to Jill; Jill said it was okay to be the focus, you just have to be the support too sometimes. There was a lot of discussion of basic fear based decision making stuff, how much easier it is when you are given strong gifts from your partner and giving them right back. These are all things I know but it is so necessary to keep reminding myself. I make improv so much harder than it has to be. The next exercise that I really liked was this: one person comes across the stage endowing themself (out loud) as a character and then when they get to their scene partner the scene partner corrects them and endows them as someone else. and then the scene begins. We all made pretty strong character choices initially because we knew we were going to be throwing these characters away, so there was no pressure. It was also ridiculously easy and fun to switch instantly. Which illustrated that it's okay to endow someone with something and you may change what was in their mind but you're giving them something to work with . Jill also talked about trusting yourself to figure out what you've created after you create it. Youdon't need to figure it out before you create it. I liked this idea a lot, it's simple, but I rarely trust myself to do something and then figure it out on stage. Im always trying to use my brain first, forgetting that my brain can and will catch up. The last exercise we did was my favorite. Jill called it Ralphing. We would run around snapping and saying Banana banana banana until Jill said stop and then we would let whatever noise came out transition into a word and a scene start. Not letting our thinking brain in to work on the scene until we'd already made the intial sound. It's a similar idea to the switchboard style of transitions between scenes and I had sort of forgotten how much I loved that. It made me really want to start working on organic sound and movement transitions again. I think I just needed to be reminded, that improv is fun, it is work but it is emotional work, not head work. I need to bring that back into my life again. Im definitely getting out of my slump but I needed concrete things to focus on, like not trying so hard to focus.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I forgot I was trying to do this. oh well. Lately, I have been missing a lot of people who live too far away from me. I really want to build a bubble city where we can all live together and be happy. We just need to move all of our jobs and lives to the same place. Austin is pretty awesome guys. I wish i could have the brownstone apartment feeling here. I would never get any work done though. Maybe it is good we all live far apart.
Friday, March 13, 2009
breathing in
I just gave my two weeks notice at McBeth, via email. Oh well, we can't all be perfect. Baby steps.
Monday, March 9, 2009
christmas on a submarine
I need a break, but the frantic part of me never wants to take one. Maybe I just need to hibernate for a bit.
Everybody, look at me! I am overwhelmed and talking about it on the internet!
I wish realizing what a luxury it is to have the time and energy to obsess about oneself was enough to change it. Perspective only gets you so far. On a slightly less solipsistic note, I really feel like Elana and I are making progress. In some ways, a day with her feels like a week. The range of emotions we both go through is insane, but I am really enjoying the process of us figuring each other out. We are building our own common language and there is something incredibly exciting and thrilling about that. The semiotics and lit. geek in me is digging it to the max. I just wish i could do that everywhere, with everyone. Let's all build the new words together!
Everybody, look at me! I am overwhelmed and talking about it on the internet!
I wish realizing what a luxury it is to have the time and energy to obsess about oneself was enough to change it. Perspective only gets you so far. On a slightly less solipsistic note, I really feel like Elana and I are making progress. In some ways, a day with her feels like a week. The range of emotions we both go through is insane, but I am really enjoying the process of us figuring each other out. We are building our own common language and there is something incredibly exciting and thrilling about that. The semiotics and lit. geek in me is digging it to the max. I just wish i could do that everywhere, with everyone. Let's all build the new words together!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
the people all call her alaska
trying to decide how to feel about today. The Pretenders have come back into my life and I'm not going to deny how much I love it. I am finally enjoying reading again. This is big. I was starting to worry that I was a philistine (specifically in reference to Jeff Daniels character's description of the word in the Squid and the Whale. Rent it or borrow it from me). I haven't been really into a book in about six months and finally I am. Iris Murdoch's, A Severed Head. It isn't perect but it is interesting me. It is actually reminding me a lot of Saul Bellow or at least More Die of Heartbreak. It's faster paced but it is dealing with a lot of the same issues. Maybe I just like books that are almost exclusively conversations or musings about relationships. I would put Women in Love in this category too. This probably says a lot about my improv. I should start reading spy novels or something.
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