trains across the sea

I wish i could get paid to read. I don't want to critique literature or teach. I just want to absorb it all and not have to worry about anything else. This may be unrealistic but everyone can dream. If someone wants to pay me to become the most well-read person in the world, I will gladly accept.

you're the vain one

Dear Carly,
I understand that you're mad, and I don't begrudge you your opinions of me and our time together. There are a few matters though, that I cannot allow to go unchecked. Firstly, my scarf was salmon, not apricot. You should know seeing as you bought it for me. I told you it was too effeminate, but you insisted I wear it anyway, and now you are mocking me for doing so? Low, Carly, Low. And yes, my hat was strategically placed. To cover my scratched cornea, the result of your poorly executed attempt to stab me in the eye with your violin bow. I have forgiven you for this incident, but I think it is in poor form to bring up something you are clearly at fault for, to malign your opponent. Let's see, what else? Ah yes! I sincerely doubt that ALL of the girls at the party dreamed that they'd be my partner. Wasn't a young Jodie Foster there? This is simply a projection of your jealousy and if I may be so bold, your own vanity, Carly. You were sleeping with me, so you assumed the whole world wanted what you had. I'm not a psychiatrist, but that sounds like classic narcissism to me. In Layman's terms, don't put your shit on me, dear. Next: Yes, I do think this song is about me. Not because I am vain, but because it is clearly referencing specific moments in our relationship. I bet on that horse because it was named Carly and I invited you to come to Nova Scotia. It isn't my fault you hate Canadians. I'm sorry there were clouds in your coffee dear, but didn't I tell you to always check the expiration date before you pour the cream? You are better than this solipsistic drivel, Carly. I did love you and I did leave, but you aired our dirty laundry in front of all the world and made me half-blind. I think we are even.
Sincerely,
name redacted.

It is too hot to plan my life out right now. I will wait until September.

random thoughts to prevent productivity

It occurred to me today that I have much better intuition than I ever realized. I can spot crazy easily, I just don't run away. I keep telling myself all this free time and relaxation is just around the corner but I've been saying that for months now and I still don't see it. I thought stopping classes and stage-managing would help and it has a little, but I'm quickly finding things to fill in any gaps. I just keep piling stuff on the plate. Someday, I will be full, or at least not hungry.

productivity report

I have to pack, write sketches, edit sketches, direct a show, work, move, and not go insane. The next two weeks are going to be intense. I have chosen to write about what I need to do instead of doing it. classic Emma. Oh well. I had a great day and I'm not scared.

big girl bed

One of my earliest memories is just a few fragmented images of my very first bedroom and workmen coming to dismantle my crib and deliver and set up my big girl bed ( my mother's name for it, not mine). I might have been three at this point, but I could have still been two. I remember being excited but also resistant to them taking away my crib.
I don't remember this, but apparently when I was about to turn four I told my mother that I wanted to cancel my birthday because I had really liked being three, but two had been better and I certainly didn't want to try out any older ages. I came around to turning four before my mother had to explain to me that I didn't have a choice in the matter, (my sister told me I couldn't get presents if I didn't have a birthday) but I think it is telling.
I still have difficulty untangling myself from my role of the baby of the family and believing that I really am an adult.

I looked at apartments today. I kept thinking the leasing agent was going to stop me mid-tour and tell me she had figured me out and ask me where my parents were. I am an adult looking for apartments all by myself and nobody is telling me I can't. Whoa. This is very scary but even more awesome. I have always had roommates, some amazing, some insane, some in-between. I was really afraid of living on my own for a really long time but now Im just really hoping I can afford it and get a suitable place for a dog. I am getting excited about decorating and finding cheap and free furniture. I know I will get overwhelmed and scared at least a couple more times in this process but right now Im just really happy and optimistic. I also just had the best improv day I've had in a long time. Everything came together and I was proud of myself and so excited about the awesome people I get to play with. Maybe the other shoe doesn't have to drop.

things i would like to happen in the next three months in no particular order;
1. get my dog
2. start a garden (really just tomatoes and basil)
3. paint some things
4. stick to a writing schedule.
5. figure out sleep
6. take an online course or two so I can start getting grad. school pre-requisites out of the way.
7. figure out if i really want to go to grad. school and what for. (probably art therapy or just rec. therapy. )
8. get out of my head more when I'm on stage.
9. take more risks.
10. see my non-improv friends more.
11. drink less coffee
12. smoke fewer (maybe even no) cigarettes
13. take things less personally.
12. care more about what i think of others than what they think of me. This sounds selfish, but i think it is when i get wrapped up in other people's opinions (real or imagined by me) that i become most self-centered.

Jill Bernard's workshop was really good for me. I love how whenever I'm feeling bad about improv (my improv not improv in general) or frustrated with how much of my life it consumes, something happens to make me remember why I do this. I walked into a the room of some hideout people and then some people I had never seen before. I was the only ColdTowne person there. The normal social anxiety stuff was all triggered at the beginning, but i think ultimitely I benefitted even more from being in a room with mostly strangers and a few aquaintences. It was a lot easier for me to not care and take risks. First of all, Jill is a giddy and joyful nymph with a slight mid-western accent. This is very delightful combination to experience. You almost feel like you're watching a child; she seems free of inhibitions and just so full of genuine joy. It didn't seem like an act either. I'm sure she isn't always a joyful little child nymph, she is obviously bright and thoughtful and I don't mean to take aways from that by comparing her to a child. The genuine joy just really impressed me. My favorite exercises were pretty simple but very fun and helpful. In one exercise, one person started doing something on stage and the other person came in and told them somethin mundane. Person one then had to have an extremely emotional reaction to whatever was said. Jill kept side-coaching us to get bigger and really let go. or to take the lid off as she said. I ended up on the ground crying, which is something I've done in scenes before, but never to this level, making crazy non-human noises, hitting the floor etc. It felt a little self-indulgent and we discussed that, if we are pouring out that much emotion aren't we taking up all the attention, pulling away too much from our scene partner. If it's self-indulgent to accept the focus sometimes and make strong emotional choices, then all of improv is self-indulgent and what's the point? I think I sometimes get caught in my head too much cause i do feel inherently guilty for wanting the attention that comes from being on a stage, making strong choices on a stage, being fast and decisive. I tell myself, I'm not good enough and the only way i can justify being in the spotlight is if Im doing everything perfectly etc. So... get caught in my head, making bad choices cause Im so nervous.
Back to Jill; Jill said it was okay to be the focus, you just have to be the support too sometimes. There was a lot of discussion of basic fear based decision making stuff, how much easier it is when you are given strong gifts from your partner and giving them right back. These are all things I know but it is so necessary to keep reminding myself. I make improv so much harder than it has to be. The next exercise that I really liked was this: one person comes across the stage endowing themself (out loud) as a character and then when they get to their scene partner the scene partner corrects them and endows them as someone else. and then the scene begins. We all made pretty strong character choices initially because we knew we were going to be throwing these characters away, so there was no pressure. It was also ridiculously easy and fun to switch instantly. Which illustrated that it's okay to endow someone with something and you may change what was in their mind but you're giving them something to work with . Jill also talked about trusting yourself to figure out what you've created after you create it. Youdon't need to figure it out before you create it. I liked this idea a lot, it's simple, but I rarely trust myself to do something and then figure it out on stage. Im always trying to use my brain first, forgetting that my brain can and will catch up. The last exercise we did was my favorite. Jill called it Ralphing. We would run around snapping and saying Banana banana banana until Jill said stop and then we would let whatever noise came out transition into a word and a scene start. Not letting our thinking brain in to work on the scene until we'd already made the intial sound. It's a similar idea to the switchboard style of transitions between scenes and I had sort of forgotten how much I loved that. It made me really want to start working on organic sound and movement transitions again. I think I just needed to be reminded, that improv is fun, it is work but it is emotional work, not head work. I need to bring that back into my life again. Im definitely getting out of my slump but I needed concrete things to focus on, like not trying so hard to focus.

i say oh well too much. what can i say instead. now accepting replacement suggestions. anyway is out too cause I use that just as much. maybe:
moving on
and now
using paragraphs
edit.

I forgot I was trying to do this. oh well. Lately, I have been missing a lot of people who live too far away from me. I really want to build a bubble city where we can all live together and be happy. We just need to move all of our jobs and lives to the same place. Austin is pretty awesome guys. I wish i could have the brownstone apartment feeling here. I would never get any work done though. Maybe it is good we all live far apart.

breathing in

I just gave my two weeks notice at McBeth, via email. Oh well, we can't all be perfect. Baby steps.

christmas on a submarine

I need a break, but the frantic part of me never wants to take one. Maybe I just need to hibernate for a bit.
Everybody, look at me! I am overwhelmed and talking about it on the internet!
I wish realizing what a luxury it is to have the time and energy to obsess about oneself was enough to change it. Perspective only gets you so far. On a slightly less solipsistic note, I really feel like Elana and I are making progress. In some ways, a day with her feels like a week. The range of emotions we both go through is insane, but I am really enjoying the process of us figuring each other out. We are building our own common language and there is something incredibly exciting and thrilling about that. The semiotics and lit. geek in me is digging it to the max. I just wish i could do that everywhere, with everyone. Let's all build the new words together!

the people all call her alaska

trying to decide how to feel about today. The Pretenders have come back into my life and I'm not going to deny how much I love it. I am finally enjoying reading again. This is big. I was starting to worry that I was a philistine (specifically in reference to Jeff Daniels character's description of the word in the Squid and the Whale. Rent it or borrow it from me). I haven't been really into a book in about six months and finally I am. Iris Murdoch's, A Severed Head. It isn't perect but it is interesting me. It is actually reminding me a lot of Saul Bellow or at least More Die of Heartbreak. It's faster paced but it is dealing with a lot of the same issues. Maybe I just like books that are almost exclusively conversations or musings about relationships. I would put Women in Love in this category too. This probably says a lot about my improv. I should start reading spy novels or something.

LEwar

I am really enjoying Le war on twitter. I just wish Levar Burton would not be afraid of it and would fight back. I feel weird feeling like Michael Ian Black is my friend. I should not know what he had for breakfast, but I love that i do. This is him choosing to publish information on a public forum. I do the same thing and he could technically follow me too, if he chose to, but it still feels a little stalker like. maybe that is why im starting this blog, as penance for stalking pseudo-celebrities on Twitter. I also need to write more, sketch is helping, but I am still rusty and want to write things other than dialogue.

I had a lot of fun in North Carolina. I hate coming back to reality after suspending it for awhile though. My reality isn't even bad, I just like living in vacation mode a lot and think I could do it for a really long time without getting bored. This is why I can't wait to become a Golden Girl: Permanent Vacation. Not getting any real alone time for three days also made me realize how much time I normally spend alone. I like alone time and even need it, and probably would have gone a little nutty with another day of complete togetherness, but sometimes it's nice to be surrounded by people all the time and make decisions as a group. I guess what I really need is a dog or a boyfriend or maybe I just need to interact with my roommates more.