on repeat

I just realized my last two posts were almost identical. whoops. My brain is stuck on a stress loop. Money money money. I am not a very financially responsible person. I am not the worst but I am honestly accustomed to a lifestyle that is not within my budget. I should not be buying organic foods or eating out nearly as much as I do. I have taken some good steps in the right direction. I eat in way more than I used to. I am working really hard on finding more work and better(cheaper)health insurance. I've been pretty good about not clothes shopping. (I did make a goodwill exception the other day though.)
I am so grateful for everything my parents have given me financially. The amount of traveling I have gotten to do because of them is really extraordinary and they paid for every cent of my education. There is a little part of me that thinks they may be too giving. (This is not in any way to put blame on them, but rather to make myself feel guilty.) I am very grateful that they continue to help me when I need it. Even though I hate it and it makes me cry and freak out and feel incredibly guilty, I do appreciate it and know I would probably be homeless without their help. Maybe not homeless, but working a job I hate. Maybe that is what I need to do at this point. I am still hopeful that I can make this acting/dance/writing teacher and sales person thing work but I think I need to put a time line on it so I know when to give up. I realized recently that my parents are never going to say no when I need to ask them for money so at some point I have to figure out a way to do it myself. Not let them be an option. I've been pretty good about that this year. Only asking when I can't eat or pay a bill but I would love to not have to ask any more. This all sounds so horrible and snobby. I am incredibly embarrassed and even shameful when I think about how much my parents have helped me. That is kind of the worst part though. I should just let myself be grateful and lucky and appreciative and loved and leave it at that. Me feeling guilty about it doesn't help anyone else get money. It doesn't make my parents feel better about my financial failure it just makes me feel horrible. I think in some ways I'm actually making more strides towards real financial independence then I ever have before. By pursuing these different business ideas, I'm definitely taking risks and trying a lot of new things and something will work out. When I was working with Elana, I was making more money than I am now, but there was no way to make more money. In the situation I am in now. It is all just about how hard I work and how much I hustle.
I still need to make a real-life grown up plan but I feel like I'm getting closer to that.