When I feel this anxious and out of it and sleep deprived I look up at my ceiling fan and think about Martin Sheen in that hotel room scene in Apocalypse Now. Comparing myself to a character in the middle of a nervous breakdown because of much more extreme conditions than I have ever known, calms me down. I carry that scene around with me as a talisman. It is okay that I freak out and have panic attacks because it makes you like this great moment in film. I am not alone because someone wrote this and another someone acted this and an audience embraced this. I am not alone because this fictional moment is full of basic human truth.
I am not full blown Martin Sheen right now. I have been, many times, but right now i am mostly just exhausted and ready to have my schedule and life more settled. I have so many jobs that are up in the air right now due to scheduling conflicts and lack of student registration. If I get them all and can work them into my schedule, I will be way too busy and overwhelmed but will be comfortable financially. If I can only fit one or two more classes into my schedule, I am going to have lots of free time and no money. I just need to find the balance.This limbo has been going on for a month. I want to figure stuff out so I can focus on the fun projects. I am doing this though. I am creating a job for myself out of lots of little tiny jobs that I love.
This has been a Martin Sheen heavy summer, but I am pretty sure I will make it out of the jungle soon.
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