ten forevers

It has been almost a year since I've posted but I haven't been having any luck writing sketches recently so I need to do something to get my brain moving. I just heard a neighbor have a very loud orgasm in the middle of a thunderstorm. I am confused because it seems like a bad time to have your windows open but I really can't see how I would hear them otherwise. Our house is at least ten feet from all of the other houses and I've never heard them before. Maybe this is a new thing I now have to look forward to. We are talking really loud here. For a second I thought maybe someone was hurt and Baxter started barking twice because it freaked him out. I really hope this is a one-night stand.

Out of Bounds just finished up. I have so much fun during the festival and see so much great improv, it is hard to come back to reality. I got to take a workshop with Craig Cackowsky and he gave us all personal notes afterward. His notes to me were not shocking, I have gotten most of them before, but they were definitely on-target and gave me a clear focus for my improv. Some of the notes were new from a coach but stuff I have thought about my improv for a long time. I just have never been able to put it into words. I have been told by at least four or five coaches that I always play low status characters and that I should explore playing high status characters. I feel like no matter how hard I work on this, even when I actively push myself, nine out of ten characters I create are going to be low-status. What is funny is as an actor, I played a lot of higher status roles and loved it, but when I am creating the role myself I go to the place where I feel more comfortable.
My challenge to myself is to play only high-status characters in my next three shows. It will be really hard but I am going to try! Two of those shows are this weekend so I will soon see how it feels. Another thing Craig told me was to work on endowing my partners with more specifics. This is something I definitely don't do enough of, probably out of meekness. I don't want to tell my scene partner what their character needs or does or looks like or more importantly I don't trust the ideas I have for them and don't let myself take risks. I'm excited and scared to work on this stuff. It makes me sad that Northshore is no longer rehearsing. I think it was the right decision for us, but I really want to figure out some sort of weekly improv rehearsal to keep me working and growing as an improviser. I am going to try to figure this out as soon as I can. I am excited about improv again. I am hungry for it in a way I haven't been in months. Thank you out of bounds, specifically, Cackowski, and the Reckoning, for making me realize what I want to be able to do with this art that I love.

trains across the sea

I wish i could get paid to read. I don't want to critique literature or teach. I just want to absorb it all and not have to worry about anything else. This may be unrealistic but everyone can dream. If someone wants to pay me to become the most well-read person in the world, I will gladly accept.

you're the vain one

Dear Carly,
I understand that you're mad, and I don't begrudge you your opinions of me and our time together. There are a few matters though, that I cannot allow to go unchecked. Firstly, my scarf was salmon, not apricot. You should know seeing as you bought it for me. I told you it was too effeminate, but you insisted I wear it anyway, and now you are mocking me for doing so? Low, Carly, Low. And yes, my hat was strategically placed. To cover my scratched cornea, the result of your poorly executed attempt to stab me in the eye with your violin bow. I have forgiven you for this incident, but I think it is in poor form to bring up something you are clearly at fault for, to malign your opponent. Let's see, what else? Ah yes! I sincerely doubt that ALL of the girls at the party dreamed that they'd be my partner. Wasn't a young Jodie Foster there? This is simply a projection of your jealousy and if I may be so bold, your own vanity, Carly. You were sleeping with me, so you assumed the whole world wanted what you had. I'm not a psychiatrist, but that sounds like classic narcissism to me. In Layman's terms, don't put your shit on me, dear. Next: Yes, I do think this song is about me. Not because I am vain, but because it is clearly referencing specific moments in our relationship. I bet on that horse because it was named Carly and I invited you to come to Nova Scotia. It isn't my fault you hate Canadians. I'm sorry there were clouds in your coffee dear, but didn't I tell you to always check the expiration date before you pour the cream? You are better than this solipsistic drivel, Carly. I did love you and I did leave, but you aired our dirty laundry in front of all the world and made me half-blind. I think we are even.
Sincerely,
name redacted.

It is too hot to plan my life out right now. I will wait until September.

random thoughts to prevent productivity

It occurred to me today that I have much better intuition than I ever realized. I can spot crazy easily, I just don't run away. I keep telling myself all this free time and relaxation is just around the corner but I've been saying that for months now and I still don't see it. I thought stopping classes and stage-managing would help and it has a little, but I'm quickly finding things to fill in any gaps. I just keep piling stuff on the plate. Someday, I will be full, or at least not hungry.

productivity report

I have to pack, write sketches, edit sketches, direct a show, work, move, and not go insane. The next two weeks are going to be intense. I have chosen to write about what I need to do instead of doing it. classic Emma. Oh well. I had a great day and I'm not scared.

big girl bed

One of my earliest memories is just a few fragmented images of my very first bedroom and workmen coming to dismantle my crib and deliver and set up my big girl bed ( my mother's name for it, not mine). I might have been three at this point, but I could have still been two. I remember being excited but also resistant to them taking away my crib.
I don't remember this, but apparently when I was about to turn four I told my mother that I wanted to cancel my birthday because I had really liked being three, but two had been better and I certainly didn't want to try out any older ages. I came around to turning four before my mother had to explain to me that I didn't have a choice in the matter, (my sister told me I couldn't get presents if I didn't have a birthday) but I think it is telling.
I still have difficulty untangling myself from my role of the baby of the family and believing that I really am an adult.

I looked at apartments today. I kept thinking the leasing agent was going to stop me mid-tour and tell me she had figured me out and ask me where my parents were. I am an adult looking for apartments all by myself and nobody is telling me I can't. Whoa. This is very scary but even more awesome. I have always had roommates, some amazing, some insane, some in-between. I was really afraid of living on my own for a really long time but now Im just really hoping I can afford it and get a suitable place for a dog. I am getting excited about decorating and finding cheap and free furniture. I know I will get overwhelmed and scared at least a couple more times in this process but right now Im just really happy and optimistic. I also just had the best improv day I've had in a long time. Everything came together and I was proud of myself and so excited about the awesome people I get to play with. Maybe the other shoe doesn't have to drop.